How to not be a sore loser who truly no one can stand

The Self-Esteem of a Winner and Loser

Each person classifies themselves as a winner or a loser in life. You use all your experiences to create this scorecard in your mind that shows you whether you lose more than you win.

Some families are more competitive than others, and it can drive an individual’s need to win. If you were to examine deep into the person’s inner being and see what they think and feel, you would find that the loser mentality has messed with their esteem.

Every goal that this person doesn’t make and every failure that occurs adds another notch on their belt of things they’ve messed up in life. You can see that after a few losses that it can do something to your belief in yourself and your abilities.

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How do you fix a sore loser?

6 ways to help a sore loser

  1. Practise losing. Family board games are one of your kid’s first chances at learning how to lose. …
  2. Explain chance. …
  3. Model good sportsmanship. …
  4. Emphasize the positive. …
  5. Acknowledge empathy. …
  6. Be a calm-down coach.

Why can’t I handle losing? Odds are high that you have, because being upset about losing is a classic human experience. … One reason is that both our brains and our bodies experience a phenomenon called negativity bias, which makes us more likely to latch onto and fixate on bad things in our lives.

How do you deal with losing a game?

10 Ways To Help Your Child Handle With Losing:

  1. Prepare ahead-of time. It can feel frustrating and unexpected for kids to lose a game. …
  2. Redefine winning. …
  3. Praise what is going well. …
  4. Learn to win gracefully. …
  5. Learn to lose gracefully. …
  6. Talk about it. …
  7. Practice, practice, practice. …
  8. Set a good example.

What do you say to a teacher when a child is failing? 8 Tips for Talking About Bad Grades

  • Address the importance of grades early. …
  • Separate the child from the grade. …
  • Approach the subject with concern, not anger. …
  • Ask questions. …
  • Talk to the teacher. …
  • Know that rewards and punishment don’t work if you want your child to love learning. …
  • Beware of pressure. …
  • Take the simplest steps first.

Ilays Lost Monopoly Game

Last week Ilay and I played Monopoly. The game wasn’t going well for him. Few minutes into the game, he was all over the place, crying, asking to change the rules, not willing to pay, begging to get a loan from the bank, and whatnot. I was feeling myself getting tenser and tenser, not wanting to play, not having the energy to deal with this (hey, we’ve been in lockdown forever!), and I started taking deep breathes to get back to being calm and present with him. 

When he came through that emotional tunnel, he laid on the couch and asked for the TV. I told him that I want us to talk first. 

“Talk about what? It was all because of you! You took all my money! You’re so annoying!!!!!!”

And then I said everything BUT was going through my head. I used empathy and a lot of it

“You hate losing, don’t you”?

“Yes”

“Are you telling yourself all kinds of stuff when you lose a game? Like you’re not good enough or not smart enough”?

“Yes. I’m not smart enough”.

“I know that feeling, Ilay. I often feel the same”.

“No, you don’t. You’re the best at everything that you do. I want to be the best at every game I play”!

And here it was. Something I could connect to, a place where my heart can meet his heart. So we spoke about playing, and winning, and losing. And how these little facts mean nothing about who we are.

Then I took the rest of the evening to reflect upon what had just happened, see what I can learn from it, and where I can take responsibility to shift things around for him.  

4. Emphasize the positive

At a time when your kid is calm, talk about what it means to have a positive mindset while playing games. Ask your kid what he enjoys about a particular game and how he thinks he can improve. Keep the focus on pleasure and getting better rather than on winning or losing.

Model Good Sportsmanship

If you’re yelling at the referees from the stands at your child’s soccer game or you engage in a major victory dance every time you beat out your competition, your child will pick up on your habits.

Role model good sportsmanship by cheering on the players for doing well and by congratulating the winner, even if it wasn't who you were rooting for. Show your child how to treat other people kindly, no matter the score.

Acknowledge that the officials may make calls that not everyone will like. But, talk about how that is part of the game.

Practice Winning Gracefully

Sore losers usually aren’t graceful winners. When they beat their opponent, they tend to find great joy in rubbing it in and bragging about their victory.

Teach your child how to show kindness to others by shaking hands and saying, “Good game” to an opponent or by saying, “Thank you for playing with me.” Help your child focus on the fun he had playing the game, not who won or lost.

Practise Being a Graceful Winner

“Being a graceful winner can help you avoid being a sore loser too,” says Allan. “If you can avoid gloating or talking trash when you happen to be victorious, the people you play against will probably return the same respect.”

Roy Moore is going to win the election unless he drops out. Screen cap this, you'll see I am right.

— Mike Cernovich ???????? (@Cernovich) November 14, 2017

3. Don’t use your anger destructively

Anger is a fair and reasonable emotion to experience when you’ve lost. What isn’t reasonable or fair is using that anger destructively against others. You don’t have to let your anger dictate your actions. Get up and take a little walk to blow off some steam. Take a few minutes to collect your thoughts, then rejoin the group.

You don’t want to vent your anger out at other people or physically lash out. No one wants to play with the person who flips the table, starts yelling, or endlessly complains when they lose. You’ll quickly find yourself ostracized and uninvited from competitions that way.

5. Focus on the journey rather than the destination

By focusing on the journey rather than the destination, you can find happiness and pleasure in just playing the game. Of course, that applies to more than just literal games. It’s also a good metaphor for life and the work we all have to put in to get to where we want to be, even when things don’t go how we planned.

We spend so much time invested in the outcome that it’s easy to miss all of the good things that can be a part of the journey. This is helpful because we can’t know what the outcome will be. You may do everything completely right, play at your absolute highest ability, and still lose. That’s just the way it goes sometimes.

That loss stings less when you can look back on the journey and see it as worthwhile. Look for the positive parts of the journey. Maybe you played really well, made good decisions, or got to have a really fun and worthwhile experience. These are all better things to focus on than the loss.

Learning to Be Gracious

Thankfully, you can learn to be a gracious loser. Have you ever watched one of those beauty pageants on television where all the girls gather around the queen? When it’s down to the last two contestants, they’re both nervous standing there holding hands. Or, they wrap their arms around each other.

When the winner is announced, the runner-up always looks just as happy for the other girl as she would if she had won. They embrace, share smiles, and the “loser” is escorted off the stage. Do you honestly think that girl was happy when she lost?

She could have been seething with anger underneath because all the hard work she put into the pageant was for nothing. She wanted to win and be the queen, but now she goes home with the runner-up title. The key here is that this lady was a gracious loser.

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No matter how hard it hurt her to see someone else take home the crown, she never let it show on her face. She knew the whole world was watching, and there were cameras on her face. Thus, she didn’t dare do anything other than smile and cry along with the winner.

Life should be much like these pageants. So when your boss passes you over for a raise that you deserved or a promotion, congratulate the one who got it. Then go home and cry privately. Losing hurts, and there’s no way around it, but it’s what you do with those failures that count.

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